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Thursday, July 14, 2011

Thank-you for the Love

It is now 8 days since I had surgery, and I'm becoming cognitively capable of sharing with you again. I want to share with you what happened just as I went into surgery.

As I was drifting away under the anesthesia, there was a brief terrifying moment when I realized that I would soon experience a period of time, measures in days, where I would lose all capacity to act or think on my own behalf. Soon, I would lose every skill and strength I had in this world. Then, as physical sensation departed, and thought began to drift away, the self that remained, the true self that remains when all else is stripped away, this self felt something. It was like a cushion of air, only it was more palpable and powerful than the brick and steel of the hospital building I knew my body was in.

This "cushion" was love, the love generated by all of the blessings and prayers and thoughts that were being sent to me by all of the people who cared. And, I knew then, with a knowing beyond thought, that love was the most powerful energy in the universe, and that this love I was receiving would nurture and sustain me through the surgery and difficult time that followed.

And now I know, in a knowing beyond words, that love, your love, the love you sent to me, is what sustained me. Without your love, I would not have made it through.

My heart is bursting with gratitude. I'm happy to still be here. And I know what got me through - your love.

Thank-you for the love.


Monday, July 4, 2011

Surrender to Grace

4 July 2011

Independence day? Hardly.  Today is about surrender.  I'm in surgery prep, including a bowel cleanse - very unpleasant. I'm also spending the time writing, meditating, and communicating with family.  It's a good day.

I realize that I must, for the next few days, completely surrender.  Once the surgery starts, I will be asleep.  Even when I awake, I will be physically weakened, and cognitively impaired by the medications.  For some time, I will be unable to help myself in any way.  

In the past, this would have scared me deeply, and I would be lying if I said I had no anxiety today.  I do.  At the same time, I feel myself uplifted by grace, and I see divine grace everywhere.

I see grace in the skillful surgeon's hands.

I see grace in the knowledge and commitment of the professionals who will be caring for me while I'm in the hospital.

I see grace in the loving support I've received from Cathy and my family, and in the blessings and prayers I've received from many, many people.

And I see grace in the innate healing capacity and impulse that is within me, that I know will begin to take me along a path to healing, even before I'm able to assert myself.

I feel showered in grace, and I'm grateful to be able to surrender, and to know that grace will sustain me, and that all will unfold as it should.